even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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