everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
