when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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