I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
