I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My bed smells like the plague
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
