I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
