I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
