I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
