it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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