that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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