he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
