Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize