I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
