he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
