I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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