i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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