We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
