There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
