Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
