I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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