Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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