I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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