I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Randomize
