What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
