when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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