I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
