Your face is a jimmy john
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
