At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
