i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
