It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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