Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
