your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
