drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
