so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
