It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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