Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
