Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
