I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
