Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
