I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
