now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
