I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
