I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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