Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
