I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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