Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
