We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The Olympian is in my bed
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
