i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
