WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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