I got chris browned last night
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
