Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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